The ingredients of conflict

I was thinking about conflict, mediation, discussion, compromise, agreements and……. This got me thinking about values and beliefs.

Our values move us in the direction of what we want for ourselves, our family, our organisation, and even our country and the world.

Our values tell us what is important.

Our beliefs inform us of the ‘right’ or ‘best’ way to get to the destination our values say we should achieve.

Our beliefs tell us what will work to get what is important.

Our beliefs drive our actions which might be quite different from the actions of someone else with broadly the same values and end destination in mind.

And this leads to conflict.

Conflict arises between people when they insist that their view of how things should be, or how to achieve what should be, is the view that should prevail.

There are three basic ingredients of conflict 1. The parties 2. Their interests or needs 3. Their actions.

Understanding these ingredients makes resolving conflict so much easier. Here’s more on the ingredients and the DNA of conflict.

The princess and the farmer

Once upon a time, a beautiful princess lived in a place not too far from here. Her father, the King wanted his only precious daughter to marry. You know how it is with royalty and their lineage 🙂 But she was willful, as many of us are, and none of the royal suitors and princes who came from far and wide pleased her.

The ultimatum was made – she MUST marry next year. Capricious as ever, she said she would choose by looking at the hands of the suitors and anyone was welcome to present their hands for inspection. The plans for the great tournament were shelved.

Anyone skilled at manicure did well that year, and many a crop was left in the field unharvested as men chose instead to apply lotions, skin softeners and many ‘magical’ potions sold in the markets.

The great day arrived with a long queue of suitors; their servants bringing warm towels and other last-minute scents and creams so their hands would win the hand of the fair princess. Watching from the sidelines, somewhat bemused by the spectacle, was a young farmer and his wise grandmother. They had brought their crop to the market and it fetched a good price this year with so many crops left to rot in the fields, the farmers lining up with the princes.

Yes, you guessed it; the grandmother convinced her grandson to join the queue. After all, what did he have to lose?

And again, you guessed it. He was chosen by the princess as the only suitor whose rough farmer’s hands showed that he had stayed true to himself. They lived happily ever after and were much loved by the people.

It is, after all, a fairy story. At least, that’s what my dad, a farmer, told me when he related the tale.

Do you want to change your mind?

Someone I know promised to buy a house, and then before the sale went through, his life and circumstances changed, and it was no longer right for him. He knew he shouldn’t buy, but he did because he had promised. It was painful to watch. He lost a fortune.

What would you do?

Indeed, what have you done when you have decided on something and later realised it was not a good decision.

Would you change your mind and your actions? Would you break your promise?

What if someone changed their mind and broke their promise to you?

Interesting how our perspective changes if we are on the giving or receiving end of the promise!

And of course, maybe you need to say ‘no’ more often. Here’s how.

Use it or ……… ?

I read an article recently about someone who is grateful for what anybody else would call ‘horrible’ and ‘devastating’. Their take on life is inspiring.

I’m sure you too have heard of people who have expressed their gratitude for accidents, illnesses or circumstances that the rest of us would deem terrible.

And I am sure you also know people whose circumstances drive them into a downward spiral.

The difference to me seems to be that some people learn to use their situation rather than endure it. They shift their thinking focus because ultimately, that is all we can ever change. And if we shift our thinking focus, other changes follow.

Are there any things in your life that you tolerate, suffer, or endure?

Unwrap these gifts to look for the insights, the messages, the silver linings that surely exist. It’s up to you what you do with them.

I’m not for a moment wishing anything less than a wonderful life for everybody, but life happens, and we can use it to our advantage, or endure it.